Sob. (hic)

Yes. A pretty washed out end to the week.. oh, literally 'washed out'. Game day, and all in great spirits, and then.. a good start. Got them wrapped up for 149. Our target: 150. (Funny, the way I say 'we/our'.. I'm just a spectator, am I not?) And down came the rain. The boys were of course in a good mood, thought they would win easily, and danced around in the rain, blaring 'Paatshaala' over the speakers. Then out came the sun (how I now wish that had not happened.. wish, indeed) One by one, they fell, slow and steady.. until hope came in somewhere in the middle. But it was not to be our day, remember? Torrents yet again, and we pack up to continue the next morning. Advantage/disadvantage.. the what-ifs? Next day, bright and early, with the cards stacked precariously.. half asleep, I receive the call, its a close game.. We still have a chance. And I sense, rather than feel the impending doom. It was there yesterday when I watched others on the field.. but I had pushed it aside.. the clammy feeling, the flutter. But here it stared me in the face. We were going to go out one notch lower than last year! And down we went. Tears anyone? Not me, thanks, it was just anger and a resignation.

I keep thinking, why do I feel so bad? It wasn't my team (per se), I wasn't playing, I wasn't betting anything on them, but in the end.. Yet another year of games come rain or shine, every Saturday morning, sitting there crossing my fingers and breathing a silent prayer they would make it through.. and make it through they did, but not the game that mattered. I know I'm wrong, but I cannot help but blame everyone, they all let me down. But aren't they the ones who feel more sad.. that they lost? I feel sorry for them, but selfish me, sorrier (grammar, hic!) for myself.

Rationale and logic take a backseat. I am sad. Even if everyone had made just one more run, I wouldn't be here writing a sob story. When does the game become more than a game? Why am I never able to register that? Because I am not a person playing the game? What is it that drives people.. the rush of blood, the speed.. the ups and downs of a team's season.. I agree, there must be sportsmanship, the ability to face defeat with grace. But why do I feel bad?

I should in fact be glad that the season is over, for there are no more Saturdays to wake up early, no more games, no more getting messy with sweat in the sun, no more oily sun-blocks, and no more dead-beat Mondays..

Why then, am I so empty? Devoid of reason?

Its a love-hate relationship I share with cricket.. and I loved-hated every moment of it this year.